I have found writing very therapeutic and helps me release the grief that is hidden inside.  My life partner is no longer in my life and as with anyone, there are times when I need to talk and express my feelings.  I do not feel comfortable blurting out my emotions and have found a certain comfort in writing them down, either in this blog or in poetry.   

Below are some of my favourites.

 

Birthday Week Woes

This week has been hard. 

The tears have been flowing.

We've celebrated the birthdays.

The children are growing.

 

And that makes it sad

Because you're not here to see.

How much they are changing

They look like you, not like me.

 

We miss you so much

And I know time has passed

But the kids, they are growing

And they always stop and ask

 

How is Daddy?  Do you think he is fine?

And I always whisper back, "You're Daddy is devine"

"He follows you daily, he sends kisses down from above

He is always here with us.  He is always sending his love.

 

So no matter what you are doing

No matter what age you are,

You must always keep going

Because he'll always be your star!"


I Wanted to tell you.....

I wanted to tell you, but the words wouldn't come.

I wanted to touch you, but my fingers were numb.

My body was frozen, my brain was a mess.

I couldn't say what I wanted but I didn't love you less.

 

Your face it was perfect but your body was cold

Our life together was fading, soon just memories I would hold.

I wanted to keep you, I wanted life to go on.

But it ended that day and now my future is gone.

 

-----------

 

I wanted to tell you, to explain and confide

But it's hard to let go and say what's happening inside.

If you imagine a knife that is turning with each twist

You'll get a fraction of what it feels like, to have a life that's been missed.

 

The pain it gets worse as every year starts to pass.  The messages and phonecalls are now very sparse.

The heartache, the tiredness, the pretence to be fine.  These never go away, they will always be mine.

 

-----------

 

I wish I could tell you, that the anger will pass, you'll be back to yourself, you will joke and you'll laugh.

 

I wish I could tell you that you'll never forget

That your memories won't blur and your dreams will be met.

 

-----------

 

I want and I wish but it's unlikely to come true. 'Cause what I really want to wish for is my life back with you.

 

 


Mixed Emotions

Why is it, when we're out having fun

My mind can't focus and my body is numb.

My outside is smiling and that's how it should be. 

Cause we're making new memories as a family of three.

 

But something's not right and it's hard to explain, that in moments of happiness there's moments of pain.

I'm missing the memories we now can not make.  I'm missing your laughter and adventures we'd make.

 

When I hear the children giggling that time is bitter sweet

For I'm glad that their happy but my heart skips a beat.

For I wish that you could see them and share in their joy.

Watch them playing and laughing, your little girl and your boy.

 

I often shout at myself, when the tears start to form,

For this is a moment of joyfullness, not a time to sit and scorn.

But I want you right beside me, I want to share all this love

Beause my heart just keeps on breaking when I think of you above.

 

Why can't you be here right beside me, to catch my eye and hold my hand.

Why can't we share these happy moments

 

Just like we always had planned.


Yesterday I was Fine.

Yesterday I was fine.

And the day before too.

I'd even say that this morning,

I was feeling great and new.

 

But with one small thought,

my mood has changed.

The shadows have fallen,

and I feel deranged.

I can't think straight,

the tears they flow.

This is not the life I want

this is not the world I know.

 

I want to hide from the world

And never see the light

I want to focus on darkness

But hide from the night.

I want to run away

And scream and shout.

I don't want this life

I WANT TO GET OUT!!

 

But, then quick as a flash,

The world is all fine.

The sun is back shining,

the life I'm leading is mine

The smile is back on,

The tears wiped away.

I'm happy, I ready,

To get on with my day.

 

And that's how it goes,

No day is the same.

Oh grief you are tiring,

 

Please give up your game.


A Message from Above

 

I've been here now for over two years.

Yes, it was hard and yes there were tears.

But now I am settled and it's actually fun.

I've made lots of friends and there's so much I've done.

 

I'm no longer in pain, no medication in sight.

I'm spritely and fresh and I can party all night.  

It's like the old days and I'm happy, I'm home.

I'm missing you badly but I don't like to moan. 

 

Our house is all ready but don't rush to come.

You've plenty of other things you need to get done. 

Go travelling and explore, see the countries that we missed.

Although there must be only a few left on that list!

 

Take your time with our children and raise them like we said. 

Insist they have fun before they settle and wed. 

Let them enjoy being children, there's no rush to grow old. 

Let them explore and try new things as their adventures unfold.

 

So please take your time, enjoy the life you are in. 

Enjoy all it throws at you, I know that you'll win. 

Look out for me daily, watch me shine from above. 

Do what's best for our children, do what's best for our love.  xxxx


Happy Valentine's Day

Today the whole world will celebrate the joy

Of when an arrow may strike between a girl and a boy.

Cards will be sent and red roses bought,

As love flies through the air waiting to be caught.

 

Today is the day when the rest of the world,

celebrates love and their plan to grow old

With that one special person who makes their heart sing

The Prince to their Princess, the Queen to their King.

 

But today is the day that I'll sit alone and cry

A glass of wine in hand as I look to the sky

No roses here for me, no cards or chocolates too

Just a heart that is breaking because I'm missing you.

 

I'm missing your love, your cuddles and your kiss

Your smile and your laughter.  There's so much I miss.

So on this special day, I hope that you catch, the kisses I'm sending to my perfect match.

I hope that you find the love and hugs too. I'm sending them to heaven and they're all addressed to you.

 

 

Happy Valentine's Day xxx


A Christmas Wish

A Christmas wish changes year on year.

Some wish for presents, others for family to be near.

But my Christmas Wish will forever stay the same

To ensure you're ok in Heaven, and for us to meet again.

 

I know that there are plenty, of people just like me

Who this year will place one present less around the Christmas tree.

It may be many decades or it may be the very first year

But time scales do not matter, at this precious time of year.

 

So my Christmas wish, as I look to the star

Is not to see Santa or to see where you are.

But to wish festive blessings to those left behind.

The ones who are lonely, who are feeling festive blind.

 

The ones who will find this Christmas so tough

The ones who find family and friends not enough.

The ones who I know want that one mistletoe kiss.

 

The ones who are longing for their own Christmas Wish.


Another Year Gone

I thought that once I'd reached year one

This feeling of loneliness would be dusted and done.

But now as I approach the end of year two

It's obvious that those first thoughts are not true.

 

It's actually harder as the time goes by

A normal day can turn sad at a blink of an eye.

And just when you think you're on the right track

A reminder pops up which takes you right back.

 

But life doesn't stop though you've had enough.

And that's what makes this journey so terribly tough.

All around you it's there, it moves fast and moves on

But life as you knew its faltered, it's gone.

 

Perhaps one day I'll soon see the light

The tunnel will finish and the world will look bright

I'll stop with the acting, I won't hide in the mask

I'll enjoy the life around me and happiness will last.

 

But currently the pain is still tough and still here

And I'm aware it's getting harder with each passing year.

I'll hold my breath, count to ten and pray that year three

 

finds happiness for my children and contentment for me.


Happy Anniversary

I remember so clearly, as I opened my eyes

The feeling inside me like excited butterflies.

My dress was resplendent and sparkled in the sun

I remember thinking "wow" my new life has just begun.

 

There was chatter and bubbles as we started to get ready

My parents looking on with pride, my heartbeat not so steady

For soon I would be meeting you, very soon I'd be your wife.

Our adventure was just about to unfold.  We were starting a brand new life.

 

The music started and the doors opened wide.  There were lots of familiar faces crowded deep inside. 

I walked on in on my Fathers arm,

My hands were shaking but you looked so calm.

I met you at the altar, you gave me that grin

that sparkle in your eyes that said "forget living  in sin.

I'll be with you forever, I always be your man

Your husband, your best friend

I'll do whatever it is I can."

 

Little did I know then, 12 years ago, what our future together would hold. 

I thought we'd be forever but that story was not told.

Instead we had a limit, forever did not last

Ten years we made in total but wow what a blast!

 

I look back now upon our time and how we lived the dream.

The world was sure our oyster and I was the cat that got the cream.

 

 

Happy Anniversary xxx


I Miss You

I miss you in the morning

I miss you late at night.

I miss you when the kids are good

And when they put up a fight.

 

I miss the fact there's no one there

When I come home after work

To chat about the day I've had

Or that customer who was a jerk.

 

I miss the future we planned to have

And the memories still not made

Like you walking our daughter down the aisle

Or watching our son get the top grade.

 

I miss so much about our lives

That it's hard for me to say

But what I'm really trying to get across

Is that I miss you every second, every minute of every day.


Daddy Star.

" Twinkle, Twinkle, Daddy Star.  Daddy lives in Heaven way a way far.

But look up in the sky, he shines so bright. He's always right beside you day and night.

Twinkle, Twinkle Daddy star.  Daddy always love you, wherever you are."

 


No Longer a Wife

Who knows how her current journey will end.  Happy or Sad?  I guess a lot will depend. 

On how she will cope with the worry and strife of being a Widow and no longer a wife. 

 

She'll walk right past you 

and you won't bat an eye, 

For she looks no different to you or to I. 

But look a bit closer, in her eyes look deep.  

You will see signs of the tears that she'll weep. 

 

Each morning she wakes up and puts on her face, but there is no make up, precision or grace.  Instead she looks up, says "make today better"  These three little words are her new morning mantra. 

 

She walks out the door, her image in place. 

No one will know, the pain that she'll face. 

Through out the day she'll hold her head high 

but back home at night, is when she will cry. 

 

She works a full day and keeps her house clean 

but worries her children think she is mean. 

She gives them treats and days out having fun and she makes time to play with both daughter and son.  They know Mummy loves them but is that enough?  Perhaps that's why she compensates and buys so much stuff.   

 

Her children are angels (most of the time) 

but then there are days where they moan and they whine.  It's day like these that she looks up to the sky and says to her Husband "why did you die?"  "What did I do to make this happen to me?  Why are we now just a family of three"? 

 

There will never be an answer to the questions she will ask, so she straightens her body and puts on her mask.  Facing the world with dignity and aplomb, she continues her life playing both Dad and Mom. 

 

Don't worry, we're doing fine.

 

Don't worry about us, we're all doing fine. 

The kids are growing quickly; your daughter is devine.  A right little Princess but cheeky with it too.  Your son, caring and thoughtful and very loving  (who knew?).   

 

Me? You'll be proud of the person I've become.  I'm no longer a wall flower, I'm confident and strong.  I take care of the kids, keep them happy and fed.  Make sure they have comfort and sleep well in their bed.   

 

So, please don't worry, we're all doing fine.  We're taking our new life one step at a time. 

Some days are happy, others are sad.  Which ever day happens, we are thankful and glad; 

For the time that we had and the adventures we made.  The stories we now tell and the memories that won't fade. 

 

So don't worry about us, we're all doing fine. 

The kids have their chocolate and Mummy has wine! 

We're doing what we can so we cope and get through. 

We're living life fully.  We're living it for you. 

 

With Every Ray of Sunlight

 

With every ray of sunlight 

With every breath of air 

When every Autumn leaf falls 

I'll always be right there. 

 

With every snowflake falling 

With every bird that sings 

When stars shoot high across the sky 

I'm there whatever life brings. 

 

I'm your shadow on a moonlit walk 

Your echo in a cave 

I'm with you when you spend your cash 

I'm with you when you save. 

 

I'm right beside you when you sleep 

I'll here when things get tough 

I'm with you on those sunny days 

And when you've had enough. 

 

So know that I am always there 

Every second of every day 

Just tilt your head towards the sky 

And listen to what I say. 

 

I'm here with you, I'll never go 

I'm your Daddy and will always be. 

Whether Happy, Sad or just Not Sure 

Close your eyes.  I'm here.  You'll see. 

 

Daddy xxxx 

 

 


Summer Blues

 

The sun is shining, the sky is blue 

There's happiness and laughter but there isn't you. There's water slides and fountains, there's ice cream for tea.  There's cuddles and chatting 

But at night, it's just me. 

 

There's bbqs burning, sea salt in the air.  The smell of the sun cream and braids in kids hair.   

There's splashing and frolics and summer sun madness, but all I can feel is my own summer sadness. 

 

 


Amazing and Strong

Apparently I'm strong.  I'm amazing too. 

But look a little deeper and you'll see it's not true.  To the outside world it's how I may seem 

But inside I'm breaking and thinking life is mean. 

 

I mean, how is it fair that I'm here on my own, spending my evenings staring at my phone.  Scrolling through Facebook and other media sites, thinking how sad, this is how I spend most of my nights. 

 

But what if I am amazing and really am strong?  Perhaps my friends are right and I am just wrong.  Lets think for a minute and see what I do.  Perhaps their comments really are true. 

 

Each morning I get up and face the day.  Get my kids ready and kiss them off on their way.  After work I come home, feed the kids and put them to bed.  I then finish the ironing and sort things out in my head.  There's so much going on and only me to get it done.  I wish there was some one else here to be the responsible one!   

 

There's cooking, washing and the weekly shop.  Various paperwork to complete and floors that I must mop.  There's organising play dates and activities that are fun.  There's even booking a summer holiday away in the sun.   

 

So perhaps I am amazing and perhaps I am strong.  Or perhaps I'm just surviving for life must go on.  

 

 


Stand in the Rain

Stand in the rain, the raindrops won't miss.  They'll cover your body just like he did with his kiss.  When the sun does come out, let the warmth shine through.  Imagine his arms wrapping around you. 

 

Play in the snow, release your inner child.  Give up you inhibitions, once in a while.  Run in the wind and feel his laughter.  He's always with you, he's your "ever after". 

 

At night, look up to the stars so high. Remember the twinkle in his piercing blue eye. 

The lightning may strike and thunder may clap.  That's just him reminding you to stop looking back. 

 

The weather will change and the seasons will go.  But your love for him will never let go. 

So stand in the rain, catch all that you can.  These are kisses from heaven, sent from your man. 


My Wish

I wish you were here sitting next to me 

To see our children playing and to see what I see. 

 

They are growing so quickly infront of my eyes 

Our daughter now chatting and singing lullabies.  She potters around, making make believe tea.  Offers her teddies biscuits and a coffee for me. 

 

As for our son, he's a growing pre-teen 

Only 6yrs with a father and that seems so mean.  He has many friends and at school he does good.  He's doing everything that a young boy should. 

 

I wish you could join us, just for one day. 

To see for yourself all the things that I say. 

To give them a cuddle and to give them a kiss. 

Just to give them everything that they currently miss. 

 

I wish my wishes could one day come true but for now they're just wishes that I'm sharing with you. 


The Mirror

I wish you were here sitting next to me 

To see our children playing and to see what I see. 

 

They are growing so quickly infront of my eyes 

Our daughter now chatting and singing lullabies.  She potters around, making make believe tea.  Offers her teddies biscuits and a coffee for me. 

 

As for our son, he's a growing pre-teen 

Only 6yrs with a father and that seems so mean.  He has many friends and at school he does good.  He's doing everything that a young boy should. 

 

I wish you could join us, just for one day. 

To see for yourself all the things that I say. 

To give them a cuddle and to give them a kiss. 

Just to give them everything that they currently miss. 

 

I wish my wishes could one day come true but for now they're just wishes that I'm sharing with you. 

November

Remember, remember the month of November

It's when Guy Fawkes met his doom.

But for me it's the month of many reminders

To me it's my month of gloom.

 

Your birthday, our wedding and our first date.

November is a month that never runs late.

It's right bang on time and it's there every year

And with the start of November is the never ending tear.

 

The 19th, the day that we said "I do".  

We only made 10 years, my ring still shines like new.

The 21st of the month, is when we had our first date. 

20 years this year since I became your first mate.

Then the 24th, the day of your birth

A day we still celebrate with all that your worth.

 

So this month is tough and the dates are clear

Yet another list of anniversaries that you are not here.

But as always I'll manage, I'll cope and get through 

But November is my month that is all about you.....

 

....And just when I'm glad that November is done

I find that December has just begun.

All around me is Christmas but that's not what I see.

This month holds the date that you had to leave me.