The first significant date to face as a Widow (not counting Christmas and New year, as that was just a complete blur) was Valentines Day. Now, when the world is loved up and you are not, it can feel very lonely. When the world is loved up and the love of your life has just died, well, there are no words to explain this feeling. Darcey has made a card at nursery so I had something to open and proof that somebody did love me but my word, it was a difficult day to face.
So, that was February, in March came my birthday, my 41st. Memories came flooding back of only one year prior when we celebrated my big 4 0 whilst 8 months pregnant and with a seriously ill husband. This time last year was when our lives were about to change forever. One year on and here we were, our lives had indeed changed. I looked in the mirror and my reflection was a sight for sore eyes. Yes, I had aged, as I had each year, but the past year I had aged dramatically. In my 40 years on this earth, that fortieth year I had suffered more trauma, stress and anxiety than I had ever faced.
1. I heard my Husband had terminal cancer.
2. I gave birth to my daughter.
3. I dealt with a 6yr old going through the transition of only child to sibling.
4. I watched my husband change in front of my eyes.
5. I battled baby blues whilst similtaniously riding the emotional rollercoaster of a terminal illness in the family.
6. I nursed and cared for my husband as he deteriorated.
7. I became the family bread winner.
8. I held my family together and comforted by children that all would be OK.
9. I watched my husband die.
10. I organised my husband's funeral.
11. I became a single mother and widow.
12. I went back to full time work
13. I brought a house.
14. I made it to 41yrs.
I had completed many things in my 40th year and here I was about to celebrate being 41. I really hope the following year is a bit calmer.
I am very lucky to have a group of friends who are ready to step in when needed. On my birthday Nathan was taken shopping to buy me a present and in the evening a group of friends took me out for icecream and waffles. I wasn't sure what to expect but my birthday turned out to be just right.